Onto the ice, handsome and proud
Skates the fourth musketeer to the cheers of the crowd.
The music of D'Artagnan begins now
And a story he tells very well, somehow.
His flowing white shirt with a cross on the back,
Black laced in front is not "off the rack."
Those boots! Those black boots up to his thighs,
No wonder you can hear all those women's sighs.
He curls his mustache, jumps and swordplays,
Dances with his lady, whom he plans to amaze.
He fights, sword in hand, agile and quick.
This swordfight he must win or I think I'll be sick.
His life in jeopardy - a disastrous brink!
At least till he gets to the end of the rink!
He wins. Thank God! Just two more jumps,
If he can just land those - not on his rump.
He does! It's over. The bronze medal is his.
Just what can I say - Oh my gosh, oh gee whiz!
Philippe, Philippe, I'm in love with you deep.
This video of you, I will treasure and keep.
If Pepe LePew
Smelled good and could figure skate
Then he’d be Philippe!
His fans beg Philippe,
"Be Rob Roy, wear a kilt!" Why?
Two words: 'camel spin'!
Philippe, oh Philippe you are the sexiest skater,
All the girls love you, and all the boys hate you!
Philippe, oh Philippe just keep on skating, you can
be D'rtangan or who ever you want, we love you and are
glad you are back on the ice.
"An Ode to Philippe Candeloro--My Favorite Skater (And if it were up to me, the father of my children!)"
Philippe Candeloro, you rock my world!
I'm really so glad you don't skate like a girl.
Whenever you skate, You melt my heart.
But the judges don't like you, those stuffy old farts.
Someone wrote that you were Gerard Depardieu
Another said you were Pepe Le Pew.
I think those people's heads have a few loose screws.
When you won the bronze in Nagano
I clapped! I cheered! I jumped up from my bench!
It didn't matter one bit, the fact I'm not French.
When you rip off your shirt, it really makes my day.
And I was happy to hear that you are not gay.
You are The Man, the Object of my Lust.
You leave all the other skaters right in the dust.
You've played D'Artagnan; you've played Travolta,
Napoleon, the Godfather, even Rocky Balboa.
You played them so well. You played them to the hilt.
But next time you skate, could you do it in a kilt?
Snake-man, musketeer -- what's next?
G-string and a smile?
Why not Chippendale's?
Squealing women, wild costumes --
Just like your skating!
Philippe, I love your bod
You are like a skating god
I love your hairless chest
I think that you use the soap Zest
I love the way you hop around
On the icy, frozen ground
I love your long brown hair
I like it when your chest is bare
Everything I say is true
What can I say: I luv u
Philippe's getting hitched,
And fans ask Olivia,
"You got him pregnant?"
French with big ego
Just a younger version
Of Gerard Depardieu
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